Dad

I don't really know how to even begin writing this blog. I've started it and scrapped it about 3 times already. But I know its something that I really need to let out. So here goes.
On August 31st of this year, my father passed away. It wasn't completely out of nowhere, but when it happened, it was so fast and sudden that it was quite a shock. You see, he had been in and out of the hospital the entire month, and before that, it had been months of all of us begging him to make a doctor appointment.
 He had been having a lot of health problems, and once he finally went to the hospital, it turned out he had cirrhosis of the liver and a stomach infection, among other health issues. The doctors basically told us that he was dying, but if he took his medication, and took care of himself, it would delay it for quite some time. But one night, he kept complaining of pain, and my mom found him unconscious on the floor. Barely an hour later, he was gone.
It's still odd to me, knowing that he is gone, and that I'll never see him again.
I am glad that the last memory I have of him was a good one. It was a Wednesday morning, and my mom called me to ask if I could pick him up from the hospital, because he was being discharged. So Korisa came with me, and we picked him up. I brought my dogs too, and he was really happy about that. He always loved my dogs. He kept talking about how hungry he was (since he hated all of the hospital food) so I bought him a burger and onion rings from Burgerville. He was so happy and thankful for the gesture. I dropped him off, and went home. That was a Wednesday, and he passed away late Friday night.
Some days are better than others. Some days I can talk about it and be just fine. Other days, the smallest thing will make me lose it. One time I saw a DVD that I had been meaning to give to him, and I broke down. Or one day, I gave my mom his hospital bag that had been sitting in the back of my car for over a month, and I cried the entire drive home. Or yesterday, I was thinking about my last paper that I wrote for college, where I had to interview someone who had fought in one of the wars of this century. So I picked my dad, who had fought in The Vietnam War. I had recorded the entire interview, and I all of a sudden became curious weather or not I had deleted it from my digital recorder. I searched everywhere for it, desperate to hear the sound of his voice again. I sat and listened to it three times. I never know when or how these triggers will appear, but thankfully it  has been fairly sparse.
I can't help but feel horrible for my mother. She spends so much time worrying about all of us, and how we're handling things, that shes completely neglecting herself and her feelings. I can tell how sad she is, but I can also see that she puts on a brave face for our sake, and it makes me even sadder to know that. I know that she is our parent, and its her job to protect us, but it breaks my heart knowing how much she is hurting.
I know that death is a natural part of life. I know that i'm not the first person to lose a parent. I know that I wont be the last person to lose one, either, and I know plenty of people personally who have lost parents. So I know that this is something I will get through, as much as it does suck.

It's been way too long....

Ok, so apparently I'm not as technologically advanced as I would like to be. This is what happens when I try to do something as bold as use a mobile version of, well, anything really. I somehow managed to delete my entire last post. But those of you who know me well would not be shocked by this.

 Because I have already forgotten a lot of what I said, and I don't feel like typing it all out again, I'll give you the ClifNotes version:  I haven't used this blog in almost a year, I promise to start using it again every time I blog, yadayadayada....Anyway, I've been super depressed lately, and have been having a hard time finding any kind of motivation to do anything, or even being excited about anything. I recently read an article about a man named Jamie Livingston, who managed to take a Polaroid every single day for almost 20 years, until the day he died. This was before the advances of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Hell, even before plain old digital! And he was kinda busy, going through numerous hospital stints and treatments for a brain tumor as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamie_Livingston
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15131

I kinda got inspired by this. How hard is it to find something interesting enough to take a picture of, once a day? I can easily do that. So there. I found something to look forward to. Something to get excited about. Because like I said, it's been way too long.

Meet Barney

This is Barney. He is the first dog that I've ever owned. It was sort of an act of fate how I came to obtain him.

On October 18th, Kira and I decided to take a walk along the waterfront. It was a bit random and out of the blue that we decided to do this. But I figured, hey why not? Flash and Yukon (my roommate Joe's dogs) needed to get out, I could use the exercise, and Kira, it turns out, had just been talking to her boyfriend about how she needed to get out and do something. She hadn't done much since her friend Tyler's death, and I happened to text her and ask her if she wanted to go with me right after that.

We weren't out for very long, since Kira had to go to work, and I was going out of town for a concert. But we still managed to walk about 2 miles, and we had time to spare. Since it was a nice day, we grabbed some sodas and parked the car right by her building and hung out on the hood of my car, soaking up the last bit of mid-October sun.

We were getting annoyed by the drunken/tweaker idiots hanging outside of their house right across the street from us, and even more annoyed that their dog was running around in the street, almost getting hit by a car. So we asked them, not so nicely, if that was their dog, and they claimed that they had never seen it before. We eventually got him out of the street, and he seemed a little excited to see us, but he was still a little skeptical to let us near him. We noticed that he had no collar, and he was not fixed. However, he was not dirty, and seemed pretty social. He had seen Flash and Yukon in my car, and immediately jumped in to meet them. So I was in a dilemma. Do I let this dog go and hope that he doesn't get hit by a car as he makes his way back to his owners? Or do I take him to the Humane Society, and hope that his owners have enough sense to look for him? It was obvious that he belonged to someone, but must not have been taken care of very well.

He grew attached to Flash and Yukon immediately. I stopped by my house to drop them off, and when I let them outside to go potty, he sat at the back door and whimpered, watching them. He even grew attached to me. As I drove him to the Humane society, he stayed on my lap the entire time, even napping a bit. I felt myself already attached to this dog, and I almost felt guilty bringing him to the Humane society. So while I was there, I filled out an adoption application in the chance that no one would claim him. My husband was the one that egged me on to do it, too.

After two weeks, he was ours. Kira even calls herself his other mom.

I definitely can see why new mothers get a reputation for letting themselves go. For the first week I had him, I got very little sleep, because I had to make sure that I took him potty plenty of times throughout the night. When I was at home, every second was spent following him around, making sure he wasn't tearing things up or marking his territory on anything. If I brought him somewhere and left him in the car, or kenneled him, my mind was constantly in "mom mode", wondering how he was doing. But eventually, things calmed down and he adjusted beautifully. He is still attached to Flash and Yukon, and even learning good habits from them. He also loves to cuddle. I haven't been able to sleep close to Russ since we got him, since he likes to sleep under the covers, wedged in between us. He's just lucky he's so cute when he does it!

He has been a handful, but I love him. Welcome to the family, Barney.

It's that time of year again....

I can't believe it's already halfway through October. Where did the time go? I didn't even get a chance to really enjoy Summertime. Well, that may be because the weather decided that we didn't really "need" a summer this year. But still....

I'm definitely a "nice weather" kind of girl. The rain, snow and cold seem to strip me of any motivation to do anything. This creates quite the problem living in the Northwest, wouldn't you say? So I've compiled a list of the things that I will miss for the next nine or so months, until the weather gods decide that we are deserving of sunshine once again:

• pools, lakes, rivers, any body of water you can get to.
• a lower electricity bill
• the beach
• no need for multiple layers of clothing
• natural tans
• not needing a coat
  
• taking long walks in nice weather
• later sunsets
• still having warm weather after sunset
• early sunrise
• flipflops ALWAYS being the appropriate shoe
• no rain (actually around here, its just a less chance of rain)
• BBQs
• driving around with the windows down

Like I said before, I LOVE nice weather. I know I'm not alone when I say that, and I know I should be more positive and try to make lemonade when life hands me all of those pesky lemons. So that's what I'm doing now. There are a few things that I really do enjoy about this time of year. For one, CHRISTMAS!!! I'm a total holiday junkie. And that's what you'll notice the most in my list of things that I'm looking forward to this time of year:

• the leaves turning colors
• sweaters
• CHRISTMAS!!!
• holiday shopping
• fireplaces
• Caramel Apple Cider from Starbucks
• driving through the Winter Wonderland at Portland International Raceway
• gift giving
• scarves and boots
• Thanksgiving and all of the baking that goes along with it
• Spending more time with family and close friends
  
• Black Friday (yes I do enjoy Black Friday shopping)
  
• pumpkin pie and apple cinnamon scented candles
• cuddling up with my hubby next to the fire
• getting a Christmas tree
• Christmas music
• Christmas baking parties
  
• watching the marathon of A Christmas Story on Christmas Eve

Each year, I get a little bit sad when when holidays fly by so fast that I don't really get a chance to enjoy them. And I always make a promise to myself to not let that happen the next year. Hopefully this year, I actually live up to that promise.

Deja Vu.....

"We understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we love" -Anne L. de Stael

I envy those who have never been close to anyone who has died. I know that death is a natural part of life, inevitable to us all, but that doesn't make it suck any less. Knowing that you'll never see that one person again, and wanting nothing more than to talk to them and hear their voice one more time is a feeling that I would never wish on my worst enemy.

I have known quite a few people who have died, but the one that stands out the most for me, was my good friend, Chris.

Ten years ago, right before senior year started, he was in an awful car accident. He was on life support for almost a week, and I was able to make it up to the Seattle area, where he lived, to say goodbye just in the nick of time. That made it both easier, and harder. I was able to get my closure, and to tell him how much I loved him, but it also forced me to face the fact that I was losing one of my best friends, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Kira, a girl that I consider to be like a little sister to me, was forced to experience an almost identical situation. Her best friend, Tyler, was in a car accident, and did not make it.


I've met Tyler a few times, when Kira would babysit her sister's kids at my house and he would tag along, or those random weekends when she would practically move in and take over my entire couch, and he would come over to hang out. Everyone in our house got along with him.

I know exactly what Kira is going through right now, because I lived it when I was her age. She came over last night, once again, moving in to my living room. We talked late into the night, cried a few times, and shared some stories. She made a playlist of songs to help her get through it, and I shared the songs that helped me get through Chris' death as well.

Now, as I see this broken girl, sleeping on my couch, I am proud of her, because so far she has handled this situation a lot better than I did. I never had anyone around me go through the same experience, so I feel a sense of responsibility to be there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to.

Kira, I love you and I know that you are hurting right now. I promise, it will get better. I know it will suck, and sometimes you'll want to curse the world for moving on. But you'll be able to look back on everything and not hurt. It'll take time, but it will happen. And I'll make sure of it.

And Tyler, it was wonderful knowing you. You were a great kid, and I enjoyed the times when I would come home and find you and Kira occupying my couch, watching Netflix, hanging out with the kids, or just napping. I know I'll see you again someday, and in the meantime, I'm sure Chris will take good care of you up there. :D

And for everyone else, make sure to give a big hug to those you love. You never know when you won't be able to anymore.

Baking Time!

This is from one of our many Baking Parties. They are becoming more and more of a tradition. This one was Ashley's first, and she made Zucchini Bread and Loukoumades (what can I say? she's Greek...but they were DELICIOUS) along with the Red Velvet Cupcakes we had planned. Randi also brought Luke along for his first baking experience with us. All in all, it was a success, and everything turned out wonderful!